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Slow Sunday Joke Off!

Spread a smile or two!

Model T Ford
post 21.Jul.2013, 04:33 PM
Post #16
Joined: 31.May.2013

Then there are all the jokes at the expense of North America Indians, like Sitting Bull and Geronimo.

Remember the one when Sitting Bull was finally put out to pasture by Washington, and was running a side show where animals did all kinds of surprising things, like dogs drove cars, camels did cartwheels, sheep talked, etc.

One day during the performance, everything on the program was performed but the last item, the ewe talking.

When a customer complained, Sitting Bull hemmed, and hawed, only reluctantly blurting out: "She only lie!"
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Model T Ford
post 21.Jul.2013, 04:58 PM
Post #17
Joined: 31.May.2013

Isn't July 21st a big joke itself when the Flemish played one on the French, and the Walloons on the Dutch by creating Belgium in 1831?

And we have been laughing about it ever since!

Reminded of the fact when a most rag-tag parade went by my apartment while I was writing the joke about Sitting Bull.

Looked like some effort to revive some long dead hope when the small group carried a statue of its first king on a wooden platform, King Albert, as I recall.

Is there some similar joke occurring around your neighborhood right now?
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 21.Jul.2013, 05:12 PM
Post #18
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

The Swedish farmers in Minnesota were so upset by the government's new farm subsidy program that in their rage and displeasure they decided to march to Washington to week later they camped just outside Walla Walla.
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post 21.Jul.2013, 07:25 PM
Post #19
Joined: 5.Jul.2012

And there was another IRA specialist who was sent to blow up the Queen Mary, but came back, mission unaccomplished.
"And why", the leader asked.
"Oi couldn't get me mouth round the funnel ! !"
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 21.Jul.2013, 08:03 PM
Post #20
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

An old favorite of mine:

A shipwreck, the passengers...two Swedes, two Englishmen, two Germans, two Frenchmen and two Italians were able to reach an uninhabited island...

Years go by...

Finally rescuers reach the island and they find that:

The Englishmen have established a soccer league.

The Germans have created and Army and a Police department.

The Frenchmen have created five star restaurants.

The Italians are making wineries that produce wonderful wine.

And the Swedes are waiting to be introduced!!!
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 11:29 PM
Post #21
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

A Jew , a yank and a Swede are killed in a traffic accident and end up at the pearly gates where they meet St. Peter.

St.Peter explains that the world wide economic down turn has even been felt in heaven so the I.M.F are now forcing them to charge an entrance fee of €100.

The Yank whips out his wallet and pays St. Peter leaving a rather generous tip.

The Jew starts to haggle and the Swede just stands there waiting for his government to sort it out for him!
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 21.Jul.2013, 11:34 PM
Post #22
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

Swede bashing!...Not Fair!...Irishmen cannot say that...LOL!
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 21.Jul.2013, 11:49 PM
Post #23
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

Alright a reply in kind!

A Blonde joke...

The Blonde Irishman was in the forest hunting for food for his starving family...

A drop dead gorgeous red headed woman wearing no clothes at all slowly "slinked" by with a very provocative and sensual smile aimed at him, and a "come hither" look in her eyes.

The Irishman in awe asked...Lass, are ye game?

The woman replied...Aye, Lad, that I am!

So?...He shot her!
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Seamus Sean
post 22.Jul.2013, 07:00 AM
Post #24
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 21.Jul.2013, 11:34 PM) *
Swede bashing!...Not Fair!...Irishmen cannot say that...LOL!

Hej Gamla Hälsingebock , I was waiting for someone to cry foul over the Swedbashing after 2 tame jokes, then just show them all the Irish jokes that had been told before hand. It´s a wonder the usual chip on the shoulder lads weren´t out protesting...must be off on holidays?

I see the Scots are getting away very lightly here so here´s one for all the skirt wearing haggis munchers out there!

An elderly American couple are on a driving holiday in the Highlands and happen upon a quaint little village, just a few houses, a kirk and off course the village pub. Feeling a little peckish they enter the pub and order some lunch, he orders a pie and a half pint of ale, she goes for a sandwich and a glass of white wine.

They quickly notice they are the only customers, which they find strange as it is lunchtime and even more strange when they get their bill. 3 pence for the lot!!!

The man goes to the bar to pay and askes has there been a mistake with the bill.

"No sir" the barman replies, "this pub first opened her doors 250 years ago today so to mark the anniversary we are having everything at the same price as the day we opened"

The American is impressed but again he looks around at the near empty bar and asks..

"But where are all the locals?"

The barman returning the gents change, gives a grunt and says...

"Oh that lot?? They are all waiting for Happy hour!" tongue.gif
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post 22.Jul.2013, 10:19 AM
Post #25
Location: Gothenburg
Joined: 20.Sep.2011

Norwegian jokes always remind me of this:
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post 22.Jul.2013, 11:46 AM
Post #26
Joined: 22.Jul.2013

Big Brown Bear Joke
Nicklas, from Gothenburg, was very excited about his new hunting rifle and decides to try the ultimate; Big Brown Bear hunting.
He travels over to wildest Alaska, spends three weeks scouting around and eventually spots a small Black Bear and shoots it, bang, dead!
Right after this, when he is studying the carcass and admiring his one-shot-kill, there is a tap on his shoulder and he turns around to see a medium sized Brown Bear that immediately knocks the rifle out of his hands and pins him to a tree.
Then the medium Brown Bear says, "That was a mistake...that was my cousin you have just shot and I'm going to give you two choices... Either I maul you slowly to death with my 10cm claws or we have sex."
After considering the alternatives briefly, Nicklas decides that he doesn’t want to die and accedes to the latter one.
So the medium Brown Bear has his savage way with Nicklas bent over a handy fallen tree.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Nicklas soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where eventually after six weeks searching he finds the very same medium Brown Bear and shoots it, bang, dead!
Right after that, again when he is admiring his handy-work there is another tap on his shoulder.
Turning around slowly this time a huge Grizzly Bear knocks the rifle out of his hand and pins him to the ground.
The Grizzly says, "That was a real big mistake, Nicklas. That was my cousin and you've got two choices…Either I maul you slowly to death with my 15cm claws or we have rough animal sex here and now."
Again, Nicklas thought it was better to cooperate with the Grizzly Bear than be mauled to death. So the Grizzly has his smelly, agonising way with Nicklas.
Although he survives, it takes several months before Nicklas is fully recovered.
By then Nicklas is completely outraged, so he buys the most expensive and largest bore hunting rifle he can find and heads back to Alaska and manages to track down that darn Grizzly Bear after 11 weeks tracking and searching and shoot it, BANG, dead.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, in the middle of his victory dance there is another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a Big Brown Bear standing there.
The Big Brown Bear looks at him very sadly and says,
"Admit it Nicklas, you don't come here for the hunting, do you??"
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post 22.Jul.2013, 01:08 PM
Post #27
Joined: 5.Jul.2012

Two immigrants from the same country lived next door to each other, and were pretty good pals, doing things together, parties and the like. Then one of them decided to take out Swedish nationalityOn the day his papers were complete and he was a 'fully fledged Swede' he goes out and knocks on the door of his previous countryman.
The friend comes to the door, but before he could congratulate his friend, the 'friend' shouts at him "Bloody foreigner".
End of story - and end of friendship.

The next is true, and was on Sveriges Radio back in the early 1960's.

There was a shortage of housing in Göteborg (strange that things haven't changed in 50 years - same politics perhaps??), and a reporter was interviewing people to get their reactions and views on the subject.

One man who was interviewed replied more or less like this - -

"Dett är alla dessa ootlänninggar som koomma hidt og tar alla voora leegenhedder."

Clearly a genuine Göteborgare - - - - After all it is a pretty cosmopolitan city.
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post 22.Jul.2013, 03:53 PM
Post #28
Joined: 22.Jul.2013

Just to prove how hard us Scottish guys are!
The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, and stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Scotland, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kevin the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, hand glider pilot there is.
Why, just the other day I lindid in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate six men who were standin close by. I grabbed the crocodile and wrestled him to the ground and killed him with my bare hands"
Hansie from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I landed after a 400 km flight in my hand glider onto a tiny trail, and a Namibian snake slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grabbed de bastard with me bare hands and beat its head off end then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"
Angus the Scotsman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
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post 23.Jul.2013, 01:53 PM
Post #29
Joined: 6.Jan.2008

A rabbi nearing the end of his craves pork.

To hide his shame he drives to a distant town where no one will recognise him and goes into a restaurant which and orders some pork.

Some minutes later the waiter serves up an enormous suckling pig with all the trimmings and an apple in its mouth.

Just as the rabbi is about to tuck in and to his horror, he sees, looking back at him from the other side of the restaurant, a well known and influential member of his synagogue's congregation. Thinking quickly, he acknowledges the other man's look and and says

"Just look at the way they serve apples in this place" !
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post 23.Jul.2013, 02:00 PM
Post #30
Joined: 6.Jan.2008

A rabbi and a priest, the two principal clergymen in a town, come, over the years, to be good friends, finding mutual comfort in sharing the joys and the tribulations of a life of the cloth. It doesn’t hurt that they also share a love of golf.

One day, they are in the midst of playing a round, when the priest turns to the rabbi.

“Jacob,” he says, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, but I’ve always felt it was a bit of an insensitive question. But we know each other so well by now, I feel like I can ask. As a Jew, you’re forbidden to eat pork.”

“Certainly,” replies the rabbi.

“But you live among gentiles who eat pork regularly. Have you ever been tempted to try it?”

The rabbi sighs. “Yes, yes I have – more than that, I gave into temptation. While I was studying for the rabbinate, one evening, I went out and had bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. I don’t even know why I did it – I guess I was curious.”

The priest nods, as if to say, “I’m sure God forgives you,” and then asks, “did you like it?”

The rabbi nods. “I must admit, it was delicious.”

The priest nods again, as if to say, “I thought as much,” and they go on with their game.

A couple of holes later, the rabbi turns to the priest.

“Michael,” he says, “since you asked a question of me, there is one I’ve always meant to ask of you.”

The priest smiles. “Certainly, Jacob – anything you like.”

“Okay. So, as a priest, you are forbidden to have sexual relations with a woman, am I right?”

The priest nods, seriously. “Yes, that’s right. We are called to celibacy.”

“But were you never tempted to break your vow?”

The priest is quiet for a long time. Finally he speaks. “Yes, yes I was. More than that, I gave in to temptation. For about a year, many years ago, I had a girlfriend.”

The rabbi smiles, as if to say, “I don’t judge you,” and then asks, “Michael, do you mind if I ask you one more question?”

The priest nods. The rabbi puts his hand on the priest’s shoulder, and leans toward him.

“Better than pork, wasn’t she?”
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