(edit title) Slow Sunday Joke Off! Spread a smile or two! Options

[Jamshidtash]

Brazilian monkey always dream to be an asylum in Sweden, but he had no idea how to be...so he post on thelocal and asked people how to be an asylum. Of course people in thelocal were so "friendly" and always made "friendly" jokes, one of them wrote: ''jump from 9th floor and if you survive, you will become an asylum in Sweden''.

Monkey was very smart, so he didn't jump but only climb down slooowly...when he was almost on 3rd floor, he suddenly fell down to the ground.

Other people saw the accident and run to help him, he opens his eyes and says: ''f*ck of here and don't touch me... you bloody Brazilians...what a stinky country you live in...Call the Swedish embassy now I and tell them that almost Swedish citizen needs evacuation to Stockholms suburb... )))))))) ' '

[Model T Ford]

There are many jokes at the expense of America lawyers, but I got a good laugh over this one I just saw on the internet:

Four men were traveling on a train, and they soon started bragging about their home countries.

The Cuban was so thrilled about the bounty of the island nation that he took one of its cigars he was talking about and smoking, and threw it out the window.

The Frenchmen did exactly the same thing with a piece of cheese he was chewing on.

Then an American of unknown occupation picked up his fellow countryman, a lawyer, and threw him out the window!

(If you feel down at the dumps some time, look up the jokes.)

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

What do you get when you crossbreed a lawyer and an artichoke???

An artichoke without a heart!!!

[Model T Ford]

Good one, old sock.

[Jamshidtash]

Presidents of USA, Russia and XXX country were sitting together in the bar and drinking a beer while chatting friendly to each other.

Obama said, generally my citizens earn 5000$ per month and 1500$ they spend for renting, 1000$ for eating and other stuff and I have no idea for what do they spend 2500$.

Mr. Putin said, generally my citizens earn 2000$ per month and they spend 500$ for mortgage, 500$ for vodka and I've no idea for what do they spend rest 1000$.

Mr. XXX said, the highest salary in my country is 200$, and at least 500$ need for renting and 500$ for eating, food and so on...and I've no idea where do they get rest 800$... ))))

[Svensksmith]

New guy, first night in prison. He hears someone down the cellblock shout out the number 263 and the whole cellblock erupts in laughter. A few minutes later he hears someone else shout 478 and, again, the whole cellblock roars. Then, someone shouts out 823, followed by laughter.

He asks his cellmate what the deal is and his cellmate replies, "Well, we've been in here so long, we know all everyone's jokes by heart, so we numbered them to save time."

"That's great," says the new guy, "can I try?"

"Go ahead," replies his cellmate.

"43," shouts the new guy. No one laughs. "148!" Nothing, not a peep. "675!" Silence. "What the hell. Why doesn't anyone laugh?" asks the new guy.

"Well," says his cellmate, "some people can tell jokes and others can't."

[Hisingen]

This young vicar had just got married, and the ceremony and the whole wedding breakfast had left him more than a little moved. Eventually it was time for he and his new bride to retire, which they did.
But to his new bride's surprise and disappointment, her new vicar husband took a chair and went out onto the balcony and sat himself down, looking avidly at the sky and the surroundings.
Eventually the young lady grew tired of sitting in the bed alone, after all, this was her wedding night and she was filled with great expectations.
"Darling," she cried out. "Won't you come indoors and come to bed and keep me company"
"Later my dear, later. My Mummy told me that this would be the most wonderful night of my life, and I just don't want to miss a moment of it - - - - -"

[Seamus Sean]

A couple have been married 3 or 4 years and are lying in bed wrapped up in each others arms one night when she asks him...

"How many women have you ever slept with?"

This wasn´t an unusual question, she had asked him a number of times before and he always refused to answer, but this night he did answer, maybe it was that warm post love making glow that made him willing to answer so honestly...we´ll never know for sure I guess for he answered her...

"Well let me see now...1,2,3,4,5 ahmm, 6,7,8 you, 10,11,12..."

May he rest in peace!

[Svensksmith]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

[Svensksmith]

Subject:
FW: The Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to
square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the
final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to
him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research
we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you
do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he
does, you're finished.'
The Irishman
nodded in acknowledgment.
As the
match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled
each other several times, looking for an opening. All
of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd
and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for
he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the
inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there
was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to
watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back
hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the
match.
The trainer was astounded. When he
finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you
ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done
it before!'
The wrestler answered
'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw
this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I
had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'
The trainer
exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not
really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you
bite your own
nuts.

[Hisingen]

Confucius - he velly wise man. He say "Man who naughty girl on side of hill - he not on level."

[intrepidfox]

When royalty has a child there is a 21 gun salute.
When a nun has a child the canon is fired.

[Seamus Sean]

A few short ones...you may have heard them before but they can still get a giggle!



Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race ?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won

[Hisingen]

Confucious he velly wise man. He say
"Man who commit adultery - he get in hole.
Man who commit buggery, he get in s**t."