(edit title) Slow Sunday Joke Off! Spread a smile or two! Options

[Svensksmith]

Confcious says: Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.

[jack sprat]

Murphy goes to the doctor covered in bandages up to his neck and blood pouring down the side of his face.

Doc says "Whatever happened to you" ?

Murphy says "Well I got a tin of peas out to fix a meal and the instructions said,...Stand in Boiling Water and Pierce ere"

[Svensksmith]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Gentleman Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a... while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2 The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3.. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

Priceless!!!

[Seamus Sean]

An Italian and his 6 year old son, Luigi, go into a clothing shop. "May I help you?" says the salesman.
"Yes" says the father, I'd like a nice sweater for me and a pair of trousers for my son Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!', and he slaps little Luigi around the head several times. Shocked by this attack the salesman asks, "Will that be all sir?"
"No" says the father. "I'd like a pair of shoes for me and a pair for Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!" and he slaps little Luigi again.
"Now just wait a minute" protests the salesman. "You can't keep hitting that poor boy like that - why do you keep hitting him?"
"Why do I keep hitting Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD?' yells the father, bashing Luigi again. 'Well, I'll tell you!" he says. "When I met his mamma, Maria, she wassa eighteen years old, she hada a perfect body, the most beautiful breasts I ever saw - and the nicest, tighta pussy ina the whole suburb - until along comma Luigi WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!"'
--

[Svensksmith]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's
merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up
to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in
a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.
Only two left."

[Hisingen]

There were several guys in line for a hanging, it was one of those neck-tie parties in the wild west. A couple of Danes, a couple of Swedes and a Norwegian. With the judge looking on to 'see justice was done'.
Fortunately for them the builders of the gallows had not done a very good job, and as the hangman pulled the lever for the trap, for the first Dane, it didn't open. So, in true judicial style, the judge pronounced a reprieve.
This was repeated with the second Dane, then the first Swede, and then the second Swede. All reprieved as the trap would not open.
Then it was the turn of the Norwegian, who happened to look down.
"Hey - Now I can see what the problem is." and hastily bent down to fix it. - - - - - -

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

I protest!!!

This thread has sunk to the bottom of callousness and indecency!!!

All I read is the stereotypical representation of different ethnic peoples shown in extremely poor circumstances and taste!!!

If minorities were the authors of this outrage they would be chastised and scorned for being RACISTS!!!

Any people of color here, that want to agree???

x 3

[Seamus Sean]

I protest!!!This thread has sunk to the bottom of callousness and indecency!!!All I read is the stereotypical representation of different ethnic people ... (show full quote)

I protest!!!

This thread has sunk to the bottom of callousness and indecency!!!

All I read is the stereotypical representation of different ethnic peoples shown in extremely poor circumstances and taste!!!

If minorities were the authors of this outrage they would be chastised and scorned for being RACISTS!!!

Any people of color here, that want to agree???

x 3 ... (hide full quote)

Ivor surely can?t be racist? Didn?t be come out as being black last week, casting away his proud Norsk/Scots heritage he can now be seen sporting dreadlocks and playing Bob Marley all day long!

So he can?t be racist cause he is black!

[Hisingen]

Now we must wait and see what next Sunday brings, eh? Maybe Ivor Complex will eventually show his true colours. Oops.

[Seamus Sean]

Hair envy ?

Still mocking cancer patients I see...what a scumbag you are!

[Hisingen]

There was this guy with a thick shock of hair, who went to the doctor's complaining of headaches.
He came back out very disgruntled as the doctor said he couldn't treat him. When asked why, he replied that the doctor had said that he couldn't see the wood for the fleas.

[Molihua Matsurika]

It's not the fart that kills; it's the sm?ll

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

I thought this might be correct for this thread...it's what is going on in New York today.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/14/d...ref=mostpopular