(edit title) Trouble with the Swedish in-laws/family Options

[Eyallow]

Well.. im a Sweede, and i have lived here my entire life. I dont recognize that behaviour as typical Swedish at all.

I dont know what to say but my family doesnt behave like that and neither does anyone of my close friends family.

I dont know what you are trying to reach other than you have some problem with you husbands family.That is of course sad and i feel sorry for you.

All im asking is do you think something like this can´t happen in other cultures? if i understood your last post correctly you have come to the conclution that its the fact that they are swedish they are behaving the way they are. or am i totally wrong here?

Ant! nice name. I have not seen a lot of ants in Sweden anyway. Ants obviously very social creatures, living in their little communities and looking after each other! :twisted:

Well my last comments if you read carefully doesn't seek to bastardize the Swedish family and social approach to parenting. Rather, i uphod the fact that, young people do demand and get their independence pretty quick usually expecting very little from their families! When this happens, the frequency of doing things together as a family is usually reserved to special occasions like Christmas, birthdays etc!

If one came from a culture where parents are constantly doting over their kids and grand kids, it might be easy to take the kind of aloofness shown above at heart! But i my opinion, in some cases such a behaviour doesn't reflect disrespect especially here in Sweden.

Also, there is a tendency that if one has problems with the inlaws one might always tend to interprete their actions as conniving to hurt with intent!

[*Guest*]

Ant! nice name. I have not seen a lot of ants in Sweden anyway. Ants obviously very social creatures, living in their little communities and looking after each other! :twisted:

Well my last comments if you read carefully doesn't seek to bastardize the Swedish family and social approach to parenting. Rather, i uphod the fact that, young people do demand and get their independence pretty quick usually expecting very little from their families! When this happens, the frequency of doing things together as a family is usually reserved to special occasions like Christmas, birthdays etc!

If one came from a culture where parents are constantly doting over their kids and grand kids, it might be easy to take the kind of aloofness shown above at heart! But i my opinion, in some cases such a behaviour doesn't reflect disrespect especially here in Sweden.

Also, there is a tendency that if one has problems with the inlaws one might always tend to interprete their actions as conniving to hurt with intent!

You obsiusly have not been out in the swedish forests where you can find alot of interesting creatures and alot of ants

Im didnt think you was trying to bastardize the swedes, i was only trying to understand what you really was trying say with your post, is it your inlaws as induviduals or is it the fact that they are swedish that they behave like they do.

Im 27 years old and i cant get my mom of my back, she is treating me like im a teenager and calling every day. Sometimes she even comes to my home and start cleaning my apartment and i have nothing to say about it.

And about the independent thing, nothing can be further from the truth in my case. I am very dependent of my parents, a few years ago when i didn´t have a job they bought my apartment for me beacuse i could not get a loan from the bank with no job.

Oh and i should say that the same is true for all my close friends whos familys i know pretty well.

I think that some people on this forum is overanalyze things sometime. Its rather simple really, some people can be jerks, simple as that.

[Eyallow]

I think that some people on this forum is overanalyze things sometime. Its rather simple really, some people can be jerks, simple as that.

Oh bloody holy mary, Ant just called me a Jerk...I am turning purple then blue and soon i will be red and then a true JERK :evil: Are you scared now? :twisted: Mission accomplished!

Anyway, in italy,it is acceptable that adults at the age of 30 still live at home with their parents. I am still waiting to see one case in Sweden! I remember my ex-girl friend used to fight with her parents each time they offered to pay for something for her. Her sister was the same. Met another girl, she was constantly pissed off because her mom called her now and then. met another she was whining all the time that her mom wants to visit her too often. Met another one she complained when her brother had to spend a night at her place. Met another she will almost blow her top when her parents bought tickets for them to attend shows together. met another one...you want me to continue? :twisted:

[*Guest*]

Oh bloody holy mary, Ant just called me a Jerk...I am turning purple then blue and soon i will be red and then a true JERK :evil: Are you scared now? :twisted: Mission accomplished!

Anyway, in italy,it is acceptable that adults at the age of 30 still live at home with their parents. I am still waiting to see one case in Sweden! I remember my ex-girl friend used to fight with her parents each time they offered to pay for something for her. Her sister was the same. Met another girl, she was constantly pissed off because her mom called her now and then. met another she was whining all the time that her mom wants to visit her too often. Met another one she complained when her brother had to spend a night at her place. Met another she will almost blow her top when her parents bought tickets for them to attend shows together. met another one...you want me to continue? :twisted:

Hmm whait a minute.. first of all i didnt call you a jerk. It have been some kind of mixup here, I thought i was replying to Andersson that had problems with her inlaws.

I just said that it it can be as simple as that some people are jerks and it have nothing to do with cultural clashed or the fact that they are swedes. Meaning her inlaws are just plain and simple jerks as induviduals, she was trying to find a reason why they are jerks and somehow came to the cunclusion that it was beacuse that they are swedes and that swedes are not use to the type of family life that exists in her country.

And all i was saying is as a Swede i dont recognize that at all and i dont think alot of swedes does, Im use to having my family around all the time.

[Roowhip]

All im asking is do you think something like this can´t happen in other cultures? if i understood your last post correctly you have come to the conclution that its the fact that they are swedish they are behaving the way they are. or am i totally wrong here?

Not quite right Ant.. With respect to my mother in law abandoning my daughters birthday, it was SHE who cclaimed it was a cultural difference of opinion..not I..I thought it was a damn excuse for her behaviour and that's why I told her..it's YOU, not the culture that is the problem. You Ant, have confirmed what I thought was true.
However, with respect to the head in the sand attitude when my Grandmother died, I would say that is more Swedish..this avoiding uncomfortable situations.
Ant, you seem to be a very sensitive Swede and have trouble understanding why I would post the above about my in-laws here and the reason is once again because having moved here, not a small feat as many in here appreciate, I would have expected better of them.

[Roowhip]

I hope you become happy again soon ALSO how was the concert!

You know guys, if anything I am happy again just for all the kind comments and understanding AND also the fact that it has developed into a bit of a debate

It is your children's feelings that are paramount in all of this and you have to find a way of managing their expectations. I know that's what I've to do ...it's much better that the grandparents turn up as a big surprize rather than children be told that they're coming, only to be told otherwise at the last minute.

And sometimes children do actually form very close bonds with family friends who will turn up and support you all as a family so they don't really miss out - as parents we may get hurt and angry over the situation but the children won't miss what they haven't had.

You are quite right Kate and in fact I think I am more disappointed than my children. My neighbour who's daughter also was in the dance concert bought a rose to give to each of my children after the concert and my son in particular received a lot of attention (for being the only young boy most likely:) so that when he came up to us after his performance he received a lot of comments from the other parents and grandparents around us that he was talented. I am more sorry for my daughter who actually rang to ask Farfar..

[Roowhip]

In fact, you should take it in a positive light, as another set of obligations that you now excused from (For example being by their side when they're dying of cancer, when you could be home watching TV). There's no greater weight to lift from your shoulders than stupid family obligations

What's with all the "you need to talk to them" nonsense? You don't! You just need to start disregarding the buggers and save yourself a lot of time and effort and worry, not to mention money on Christmas presents (if you must get them something, get them one of those stupid julbok straw goats). Actions speak louder than words, and their actions tell you that they're not worth p***ing on. So they're your in-laws and you feel like you "should" be a big happy family? So what?! It'll never work when the other party are completely selfish, so don't waste your life trying. Now go and be a bit ruthless, and if your husband has a cry about how mean you are, kick him in the cobblers.
Dr Matt has spoken.

Matt, you are a funny guy but with a lot of good sense

[Roowhip]

My case is quite the opposite, my mother in law never worked, she's very opinionated and instead of being a friend she acts like a therapist, talks like one and drives me crazy. She would prefer to live with us to take care of my son and she doesn't think dagis is the best for him. She used to visit once a week, stay a couple of days and wash my husband's clothes against my wish and all the time has insisted that we send our son to her town for several days at a time. I don't want that, I prefer she visits then. If I have to say yes to all of this, then I feel that my freedom to choose ends where her freedom starts.

Oh my Gabriela, the washing would be the last straw for me..AAghhh

I am also really sorry to hear about your miscarriage and lack of support. I wan't going to post so many messages in a row here but there are so many of you I wanted to respond to. Gaby, I find that I can relate to almost all your posts at a very personal level..sometimes I think we are have had so many similar experiences it's scary

I almost feel I am painting a really bad picture of my mother in law and in fact she is not all bad (which makes it hard for me to be ruthless as Matt suggested) but in response to you Gaby, my sister-in law also lost a baby (before my daughter was born): he was born alive and the doctors said he was fine and he died 2 hours later. It was so tragic and the first time I saw my husband cry from grief..and my mother-in law seemed to have the same attitude as your m.i.l--she was of the opinion that my sister-in law should "get back on the horse again" beacuse she was so desperate for a grandchild. (this follks is more background to why I don't understand the disinterest she has shown for my children wrt to certain activities) Extremely unempathetic considering my sister in law almost died in childbirth and the doctors, despite setting out query's world wide..never did know what went wrong so she could be at risk with another pregnancy.

Jimmy, also really appreciated your post..are you a new Aussie on board?

[Roowhip]

Sorry to be a little off-topic, but I think Swedish families are suffering from "why should I do it when the state will" syndrome. There is no reason for families to feel obligated to each other anymore.

(I think Iv'e found the post you are referring to)..Not a bad theory FR

[Mark Rowlands]

I don't really recognize this either.

i do, my gf's parents are the same. it's on their terms or not at all. Now her old man is a complete asshole which may affect her mum's behaviour. OTOH the gf's siblings are all perfectly decent human beings /which given the parents is a surprise! All in all I don't think it's a swedish thing, I think its an asshole thing.

[*Guest*]

It is not Swedish at all. All my friends' families have been to their children's shows at school or whatever. I am a teacher and we have a lot of shows in the local church where I work. We have to tell parents not to show up for Lucia on Tuesday cos the church is not big enough for all the parents. Instead we have to have a special show for them the night before so they can watch their kids in the Lucia procession...

eyallow...there are lots of people who live at home still in their 20's. It is very common here now, not so much because of culture but more because there are not enough flats and student rooms to rent.

[Jimmy]

Andersson No I am not a new Aussie I have been one my whole life.