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Slow Sunday Joke Off!

Spread a smile or two!

Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 11:07 AM
Post #1
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

Good Morning folks, I am not sure what weather you woke to this morning but up here it is far from summer, I can say.

So I got to thinking how to lighten the mood, give us all a boost, well in my case it looks like I´ll be home alone keeping a watch on sporting events around the world and trying to make some money from my wagers but to pass the time and not bore the poor readers here with my waffling I thought maybe we could have a Joke off??

Posters tell us their favourite jokes, maybe from their homeland, or something they hear recently down the pub or at work, or where ever and we other posters get to rate them on a scale of 1-10, see who tells the funniest.

It may also show if the sense of humour differs greatly from land to land.

People can enter as often as they like, we can leave the PC hats off and any subject is limits, what do ya think??

I will post one of my favourites shortly...just need to grab a coffee first... smile.gif
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 12:21 PM
Post #2
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

Ok here goes...

A number of years ago our three hero's, the Englishman, the Scotsman and of course the Irishman find themselves living in London, all 3 are unemployed and desperately seeking work, rather unsuccessfully it must be said.

So the day they spot the advertisement from the metropolitan police force looking for new recruits they rush down to Scotland yard and fill out the application forms and are shown to the waiting room and told to wait until their name is called for their interview.

Time starts to drag a bit in the waiting room and soon the Englishman and the Scotsman start to pick on their Irish friend, they tell him that he is stupid, how he will never get through the interview, how his lack of intelligence will mean he will never work for the police force and so on they continued putting the poor guy down right up until the Englishman got called in for the interview.

In the interview room the Englishman took a seat opposite 3 high ranking officers in full uniform, very stern faced and important looking, it was the guy in the middle with the most fancy uniform that spoke ,he said...

"It´s like this, we are desperately short of officers, never before have we been in such a situation so I am going to ask you one question, you give me the correct answer that matches what I have here in front of me and you have the job, are you clear?"

The Englishman nodded.

The senior office, cleared his throat, and in a clear voice asked...

"Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Englishman thought for a few seconds, then composed himself and said...

" I think that would have been King Herod"

The senior office breaking into a wide smile said...

"Well done, that is the answer I have here in front of me, you have got the job... go down the hall turn left, pick up your uniform, hat and boots and for your first day you shall be directing traffic".

Next up was the Scotsman, again he faced the 3 officers, again they explain how desperately short of officers they were and again he answered King Herod was the one who had killed Jesus and he too went and collected his uniform, hat and boots and went to direct traffic.

Last in was the Irishman, he was so nervous he was shaking, his two friends questioning his intelligence had his confidence shot to bits, when he was asked who had killed Jesus Christ he went to pieces, mumbling and playing with his hands, shooting glances at the ceiling as if inspiration may be found in the heavens. After a few awkward moments of silence the senior office leaned forward and spoke...

"Look it´s quite clear you don´t know the answer, but this is not a problem, right next-door to the station there is a most wonderful library and you can go there and find out the answer, come back here with the answer and you´ll get the job"

A very relived Irishman thanked the officers for being so kind as to give him a second chance and rushed off next door to the library. Once there he took over a desk by the window and pretty soon the desk was covered with note books and pens, book after book on the subject piled up and he busied himself finding the answer.

Around about an hour after arriving at the library he glanced out the window and caught sight of his two friends, both in uniform directing traffic and he started to laugh, it started as a giggle but it grew and grew until he could no longer control himself, every other person in the library turned to see what was happening, they ssshed him from all corners but his laughter just grew louder and louder, by the time the Liberian had been summoned the poor guy was flat on his back on the ground, tears in his eyes bubbles of snot escaping his nose, his head gone a dangerous shade of red from all the laughing.

She stood over him with a very angry look on her face, her finger pressed tightly to her lips in that universal sign for silence and she hissed at him to be silent as he was disturbing all the other poor people trying to read in peace and quite.

He managed to say between laughs that he couldn't and told her to look out the window at the two guys directing traffic, which she did.

He managed to draw himself up onto his elbow and composed himself enough to say...

"See them two...see them out there in uniform, well them two boyos told me I was stupid, I didn´t have the intelligence to get a job on the police force, I wouldn´t even get through the interview well look at them now, out there directing traffic and me here... in the middle of a murder investigation"

Boom..Boom!!! biggrin.gif biggrin.gif
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Model T Ford
post 21.Jul.2013, 01:42 PM
Post #3
Joined: 31.May.2013

Poor Irish, always the brunt of some English joke.

Here's a similar question and answer one:

Do you know how the Irish make counterfeit 20 p. pieces?

They cut down the 50 p. ones!
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 02:07 PM
Post #4
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

Irish men jokes are ok as long as it´s an Irish man telling them...we can laugh at ourselves!

anyway I think I´d rate your counterfeit coins a rather generous 2.5.

Come on you must have some better joke than that?? smile.gif
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 02:20 PM
Post #5
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

How about this one...

The Yank is travelling Ireland tracing his roots etc.

One day he is driving through the countryside and stops to take in the breath taking beauty of the landscape, he pulls to a stop and gets out of his car, it is then he notices the little old farmer working in the field beside where he had pulled in.

"Hi there," he greets the farmer.

The farmer looks up and nods his head returning the greeting and continues to work on fixing the stone wall.

The Yank walks over closer and asks the man...

"Is this your land?"

" Aye, it is" says the farmer, pointing to the little cottage at the end of the field and sweeping his arm around to take in the few small fields around, "all that land is mine" he says proudly!

The Yank, by now leaning on the stone wall looks around at the few small fields, tilts his cap back and says...

"Why back home in the United States of America it takes me the best part of a day to drive all around all the land I own"

The little farmer stands up straight and looks the Yank in the eye and says...

"Aye I had a car like that myself one time...had to get rid of the fecker"!!! tongue.gif
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Model T Ford
post 21.Jul.2013, 02:25 PM
Post #6
Joined: 31.May.2013

Okay, how about this, a bit more in line with yours?

Two men in a bar were having a discussion about sea wrecks and tragedies when one blurted out: "And the Jews sank the Titanic!"

The other, completely dumbfounded, replied: "You must be a complete anti-semite for making such an outrageous, erroneous claim. The Titanic hit an iceberg!"

And the other replied: "Iceberg? Goldberg? There all the same!"
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post 21.Jul.2013, 02:32 PM
Post #7
Joined: 5.Jul.2012

And there was this Norwegian who went to his dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in. cool.gif
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 02:35 PM
Post #8
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

QUOTE (Model T Ford @ 21.Jul.2013, 02:25 PM) *
Okay, how about this, a bit more in line with yours?Two men in a bar were having a discussion about sea wrecks and tragedies when one blurted out: "And the Jews sank the ... (show full quote)

Yes that´s an improvement ok! biggrin.gif
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post 21.Jul.2013, 02:38 PM
Post #9
Joined: 5.Jul.2012

And back in the dark days there were two IRA men driving to a place where they were to plant a bomb, but the driver was being a bit reckless in the car was almost rolling over.
'Paddy, Paddy, take it aisy. Dis bomb moit go off.'
'Don't fret yourself, now Boyo, Oive got a spare one in the boot of the car.' sad.gif
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 02:39 PM
Post #10
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

QUOTE (Hisingen @ 21.Jul.2013, 02:32 PM) *
And there was this Norwegian who went to his dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in.. cool.gif

I like it Hisingen! biggrin.gif

How about...

Did you hear about the 2 seater plane that crashed into a graveyard just outside Oslo?

The Norwegian rescue services have so far recovered 307 bodies and the search continues! biggrin.gif
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post 21.Jul.2013, 02:49 PM
Post #11
Joined: 20.Sep.2011

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.


Paddy says to Mick " Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw, its supposed to be a tiger."

Mick says " Put the frosties back in the box you thick git ! "
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 03:03 PM
Post #12
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

September the 3rd 1939, in a bar of an exclusive men's club in London.

Brigadier Smith Jones and Brigadier Jones Smith are sat at the bar on the gin and tonics and discussing the out break of war with Germany.

They are discussing how the British have the best soldiers, how the British have the best guns, the best tanks, the best air force and of course the best navy! They will of course win the war they say!

Many gin and tonics are consumed and many hours pass by, by now both men are quite pissed and they decide to ask little paddy the barman who he thinks shall win the war. The poor man has been listening to the guys for hours at this stage.

He answers them...

"sure of course Britain will win the war ...sure haven´t ye got the best soldiers, and haven´t ye the best guns, and sure ye have the best tanks, the best air force and sure don´t ye have the best navy and think about it ye very nearly beat us also" wink.gif
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Model T Ford
post 21.Jul.2013, 03:08 PM
Post #13
Joined: 31.May.2013

All the Paddy jokes remind me of my biography of Henry Brougham, the famous English barrister who was always cracking jokes at their expense in court.

Remember a damage suit against a surgeon where the injured party had his hand amputed, agreeing to the procedure, provided that the doctor didn't "... touch the fingers."

Or a defendant in some awful suit, agreeing to a trial, provided he could pick his brother as the judge.

That was about 200 years ago.
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Seamus Sean
post 21.Jul.2013, 03:17 PM
Post #14
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

It doesn´t have to be just Paddy jokes, just because I told the first one as a paddy joke please feel free to explore other areas and jokes...surely there must be some Swedes that know a joke or two they want to share??

How about the blonde girl that goes to the doctor and complains she has broken every bone in her body.

"Every bone?" he asks
"Yes look" she says and process to touch her arm and cry out in pain, the same with her leg, her collar bone has the same reaction and so on.

After checking her out the doctor discovered the poor girl had a broken finger! biggrin.gif
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post 21.Jul.2013, 03:57 PM
Post #15
Joined: 28.Jul.2011

On a hot, Saturday afternoon, a man walks into an Irish pub on the south side of Chicago, slides himself onto stool and proclaims, "Aye bartender, it's hot and I'm dry. Could ya be so kind and pour me a wee pint on Guiness?"

As the bartender complies with the request, the man sitting next to the newcomer says, " Do I hear the lovely lilt of the old country in your voice?"

"Aye, that ya do lad. I was born in the most beautiful spot in all of Ireland right next to the river Shannon."

"Ya don't say! I was born near the river Shannon meself. In a little town called Ballyconnell."

"Ballyconnell! I was born in Ballyconnell. Bartender, fetch a pint for me new friend here!"
Say whereabouts in Ballyconnell did you reside?

"Well, it was a little cottage on Beale Street."

"Beale Street you say, me as well! What are the odds of that!" Bartender, bartender I need another pint now meself. The excitement of it all!"

"Say, where did you go to school, then?"

" Why, I went to Saint Mary's."

"St. Mary's! St. Mary's! Do ya remember Sister Kathrynn?

"Oh, that I do. What a grand old gal. Me knuckles ache just from the mention of her name. Bartender another round, if ya would be so kind. Say do you know the O'Donnell brothers?"

"Oh, that I do. Sean and Patrick, I've never seen a such red hair in all my life."

"Yes, yes! Same lads. Say, how about the Milgillicuddys?"

"Now those were some rough lads."

"I know I know, I had some terrible scraps with those lads. Bartender, another coupla of pints."

And so on it went for several hours. At some point the owner walks in and asks the bartender how things have been going. "Oh, it's been pretty quiet for a Saturday, " says the bartender. "Not much going on. Just the Dooley twins getting drunk again."
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